I met in my life people who were universally loved, appreciated, admired, respected, listened to, and others sought their presence almost desperately. I've always wondered: "What makes the difference between those people that everyone loves, and those that can not stand? ".
Very recently I met in my life some of these people. Determined to discover their secret, I followed my own advice and began to observe the taking model. Their contact was very rich in lessons, and I learned a lot about human psychology. I think today be able to reveal one of the most effective recipe that is if you want to be appreciated. Do you hear it? Okay, but first, let me tell you another story.
What you should not do
There are not so long, I met in the workplace a person with whom I have come to work occasionally. This person was, I must admit, much more competent than I am in my field. But in my life, I met a lot of top talent, smarter and more talented than moi1. It was not extraordinary. But what made it so special was his other talent: to make me feel how she was above me.
This was not one of those 'you seen me? "That pavannent in frimant, and that make me laugh more than anything. It was not a sham, there was no willingness to "play" 2 behind it.
No, it was extremely subtle, imperceptible consciously. A little something indefinable in the body language, the attitude, tone of voice, words, look. But in the end, this whole attitude shouting "Look how I am competent! I'm better than you! ".
Without wanting to play down floor of a psychologist, I am convinced she was actually seriously in lack of recognition, and all she wanted, even without realizing it was the consideration. Conscious, and because of his qualities, his unconscious surely thought that placing it on a pedestal, it would finally be admired.
It did not happen! In your opinion, what I felt for that person? From Consideration? Admiration? Respect ? Nay! I found it downright rude. Why ? Because in growing, she belittled me. She referred me to face all my faults, all my imperfections.
You would find pleasure in being around someone who by his mere presence makes you feel like a shabby? Neither do I !
How to be loved
How to make friends
Dale Carnegie
Why am I talking about this? Because if you want to be loved, that's exactly what not to do. In fact, this is the recipe to be enjoyed: we must do exactly the opposite.
When I observed the people I mentioned above, those that everyone loves, I noticed they had an absolutely fabulous faculty: alongside them, I felt amazing. I do not feel that they had something special, I felt that I had something special. And that made them very pleasant company and cozy.
Here is one of the most important things I ever learned in human relations:
(are you ready ?)
(Brace yourself!)
If you make sure that others feel special in your presence, they valued input you a boundless gratitude, and they will love you.
I think this statement is so important that I will repeat again:
If you make sure that others feel special in your presence, they valued input you a boundless gratitude, and they will love you.
Place to Practice
That's the theory. It is very simple to state, but like any theory that respects itself, the practice is far more complex. It is not enough to approach you and say "Wow! You're amazing "to put someone in your pocket. It would be too simple, and human relationships are so complex!
Here is a recipe to follow, which should give the correct results:
do you like to
The first step of this method is crucial. This may seem paradoxical, but to be loved by others, we must first love oneself. After all, even if you consider that you are not worthy of consideration, how can you convince others? You have already tried to defend an opinion that was not yours? Then you must know how it is inefficient and unnecessary.
Do not put the cart before the horse, and do not expect too get the esteem of others as you will not have regard for yourself. Your self-esteem is pumped up? Perfect ! Let's go to the next step.
Meet people ...
You want to be loved? It will be difficult if you live on a desert island! This method requires that you spend time with people. Real people, flesh and blood! So take off your computer, and you obtain a social life worthy of the name (but finish the article anyway).
... And love them
I think this is the most dure3 step, but you will never be loved if you do not first love. I know this is difficult, you meet so many idiots in his life! But go! You and I are not perfect either templates, and then there is always the con someone. So we have to let go, resign themselves to the chronic inadequacy of Mr. all-the-world and accept its small flaws and imperfections.
And you know what ? When this is achieved, you feel much better. then we come to feel that behind every human grumpy, cynical, lazy, manipulative, lying, etc. often hides an extraordinary being, just waiting to be discovered.
Loving others is a prerequisite to this method. Ok, this is very difficult, but hey! I said it was a magic recipe, not that it was easy.
If you've gotten this far, you've done the hard part. The rest is only a matter of technique, and with a little practice, you should do so without too much trouble.
You interested in them
: Next Step, interested in people. I have already spoken in several articles, but I think we can not say it enough. This assumes that you are developing several faculties:
The curiosity of wanting to know more about others discover who they really are. Learn not just facades, but regard each person as a unique and exciting, that has a story to tell.
The franchise to lead healthy relationships based on trust and sharing, not on handling. Consider people like what they are: completions neither good nor all bad. Recognize that is not itself a model of perfection. Agree to unveil and show others what we would like them to give us.
The power of observation that can be considerate of others, to notice things, to see what others do not see.
Empathy, the ability to understand the emotions of others and states of mind. To slip into the shoes of another to embrace his views.
If you are sincerely interested in people, you will naturally notice things about them. therefore observe the peculiarities of their physical, identify their personality, discover what skills, qualities and defects, but more importantly, keep in mind that you never really know someone.
Be psychologist
You begin to know someone? What are its weaknesses? Its strengths? What he wants most in the world? Hopes to he and what is he afraid?
For people to feel comfortable in your presence, you must give them what they want. To understand, consider the problem in reverse. In your opinion, what would insult him worse?
To find out which would compliment the most fun, guess what would be most painful insult. our respective personalities conceal strengths and weaknesses. If you want to hurt someone, you need to type on the most sensitive spot.
Example, suppose you want to hurt a pretty girl. You can try to denigrate his physical, but the results will be poor. She knows she is pretty, there are lots of people who say it regularly. For her, you will not be frustrated that slob who does not know to do it with women.
For the hurt, it will be more efficient to make fun of his personality, his spirit, etc. Important note: I'm not going to teach you to insult people, so do not make me say what I did not say. The goal is that people feel very close to you, it's not insulting them that you will succeed. Close the parenthesis.
Compliments, it's a bit the same. If you compliment a dummy on his physique, you will do him no pleasure. So many people have done the same thing as you! Just bring him nothing new, nothing interesting. Therefore, she will thank you politely, and you will rank in category "admirer at her feet, nice but sticky."
A good compliment is to strengthen the self-esteem of those who receive it. Therefore, it should aim there any doubt of it. The ointment does well when it goes on wounds. It is all these faults, all these doubts, you will have to discover and update. As you see, you will need a good knowledge of human psychology, and a good ability to understand others.
Compliment
Sociology of dredger
Alain Soral
We come to the final part. We aimed, it only remains to draw. I explained the power of compliments, this is what we're going to practice here.
The effectiveness of a good compliment essentially based on three principles: 1) accuracy, 2) openness and 3) subtlety.
1) What is the accuracy of a compliment? This is, as explained above, to shoot where it does the most good. The best compliment renfore self-esteem of its target, it makes him proud of him, he inflates the pleasure and pride. If you followed the previous step has already helped you to determine where to aim. Let's go to the next step.
2) Why is franchising important? Because it is very difficult to fake a compliment. In general, do not even try, it will show. However, a frank and sincere compliment will only please. There is no method to be sincere, must be the point. If the compliment that you are about to launch is not sincere, abstain. Never be complacent or condescending, it will be considered an insult.
3) Finally, why is the subtlety so important? First, because a telling compliment without any subtlety will be received consciously, and its impact will be greatly reduced. However, an indirect compliment is received unconsciously, and its impact will be different.
For example, you want to compliment someone on his cooking skills. If you say "your food is delicious" (frank and direct speech), the cook in question will analyze your message deduce that it is a compliment, it will please him vaguely, and in exchange, he will say something like "thank you, old." Whereupon he quits consider as vis-à-vis your compliment.
However, if your host sees you treat yourself and you subtly let go something like, "hmm ... The last time I have eaten so well it was ... when was that, anyway? "Without seeming to compliment you send an indirect message that will be received unconsciously, and its impact will be stronger.
Second thing, it is also much more difficult to refuse a subtle compliment with a "oh, you know, it's not much." For your subtlety, you can cross the barriers set up by your target and not leave him no chance of escape.
Finally, subtlety allows for compliments even those you superior in social value. In each social interraction, there is a difference of tacit status among participants. Doe will be perceived as having greater qu'Unautretel social value. The extreme, there is such a small bespectacled side suffers pain, and the other the prom queen.
generally research the company and the approval of those who have a higher social value to his. Thus, if the prom queen consents to lay eyes on the poor suffer pain, and sincere compliments, it will be transported on a cloud. But in the opposite situation, the prom queen that will probably make the scapegoat praise.
If your social value is higher than your target, your compliment will fly, even if it's not too subtle. Otherwise, too direct a compliment may turn against you.
This is my recipe. Remember, it is better three compliments francs, indirect and subtle compliment one big as a house. Compliments do not necessarily pass through words, do not overlook the power of body language. For example, when the caller initiates a joke or a humorous projection, laughter is still the best compliment. But remember: to be enjoyed, ensure that your presence is a source of comfort.
Again, know this method will not make you popular with everyone, if you do not practice. So get to work!
